I have returned to FB after a long time away... Anxiety, moving states, starting a PhD program, missing home and community, feeling lost, processing the shock of such a transition, trying to find balance with my time and energy—
This process of moving and settling characterizes 98% of 2019, as it began in February — recruitment weekends, choosing a school, announcing my choice to my community, developing a moving plan, packing, daily LIFE, unprecedented obstacles, grief, exhaustion, daily LIFE, unprecedented obstacles, grief, exhaustion... I nearly had a meltdown the day before I was drive 13 hours toward my new home.
I look at progress photos from 2017 and 2018 and I am saddened by my inconsistency. I have seen this body do amazing things. And look amazing! Now, my jawline plays peekaboo, making an appearance at certain angles but mainly obscured. My muscles are frighteningly soft... And, my knees crack more than they do when I practice resistance training. I don’t look awful, but I don’t look my best either. And, I don’t feel my best bc my life is one long chain of impulse/fight or flight moves as I attempt to merely SURVIVE.
That being said 🥴 I begin...again. Because I NEED balance or I will drown. And, I NEED a routine made up of BASIC & SIMPLE elements that are low-risk but will help me build consistency...or I will drown. I do not have the mental brain-width to jump into hardcore resistance training. Yikes! Admitting limitations is hard! But, it is what it is. So, I’ve started FB reach. Calmly, mildly challenging; low demand on my mental faculties. Has already alleviated some stiffness in my back and cracks in my knees. I step away from Netflix and YouTube @ 8.30pm. I find other ways to regroup throughout the day rather than default to digital media every time, as I realized it overstimulates my brain and leaves it in a more erratic thought state. My thoughts ping around my cranial walls longer, making focus difficult to harness. Since placing boundaries on digital media, I’ve noticed my brain is MUCH calmer, quieter, and thoughts flow through my brain rather than bounce around it. Bad digital media habits have definitely been working against me. Lots more to say on that, but won’t.
Here is my simple morning and evening routine — low risk, great reward.
AM —
Alarm sounds @ 6am
I allow myself several minutes to come awake. I reach up and turn on my floor lamp with my eyes closed, slowly adjusting to the light. I pour some water and gulp it down. I sit cross-legged on my bed and roll my shoulders. I pray. I read a psalm.
6:30 unroll my mat. Press play for the day’s routine.
Shower & dress
7:45 make my bed (new commitment!)
Carry out the rest of the day’s events according to the schedule I’ve laid out the night before
PM
Light candles
Spray the house with a fresh-scented room spray
End of day — plan the following day’s events and tasks
My idea of “planning” is simplified as well. My to-do list is long and I am often overly ambitious bc I am desperate to see it diminish. But, I am inevitably overwhelmed. And, the to-do list grows. So, I choose ONE or TWO things to complete every day. If it’s an involved task, I leave off at that one. If it’s a relatively quick task, I complete two. Example— today I wanted to clean out my car and clean the interior of my car & declutter a bookcase that currently functions as a junk drawer. Car task went splendidly! But, ended up being a pretty involved task which took up most of the time I’d allotted for tasks. So, I rolled it over to tomorrow.
Essentially, there is a framework but there is a measure of flexibility within it. It is a new system, but I am feeling the benefits. This is how I’m making it through. Resistance makes an appearance bc bad habits are unrelenting in these initial stages of change. But, I remind myself that this new rhythm I’m developing is VITAL to my wellbeing. And, seeing the detriment of its absence play out to a certain extent helps to make that a FELT reality.
More later, I’m sure. Writing this has been therapeutic, whether it is read or not 😂
Woes of a Prodigal Graduate Student: A Novel
I have returned to FB after a long time away... Anxiety, moving states, starting a PhD program, missing home and community, feeling lost, processing the shock of such a transition, trying to find balance with my time and energy—
This process of moving and settling characterizes 98% of 2019, as it began in February — recruitment weekends, choosing a school, announcing my choice to my community, developing a moving plan, packing, daily LIFE, unprecedented obstacles, grief, exhaustion, daily LIFE, unprecedented obstacles, grief, exhaustion... I nearly had a meltdown the day before I was drive 13 hours toward my new home.
I look at progress photos from 2017 and 2018 and I am saddened by my inconsistency. I have seen this body do amazing things. And look amazing! Now, my jawline plays peekaboo, making an appearance at certain angles but mainly obscured. My muscles are frighteningly soft... And, my knees crack more than they do when I practice resistance training. I don’t look awful, but I don’t look my best either. And, I don’t feel my best bc my life is one long chain of impulse/fight or flight moves as I attempt to merely SURVIVE.
That being said 🥴 I begin...again. Because I NEED balance or I will drown. And, I NEED a routine made up of BASIC & SIMPLE elements that are low-risk but will help me build consistency...or I will drown. I do not have the mental brain-width to jump into hardcore resistance training. Yikes! Admitting limitations is hard! But, it is what it is. So, I’ve started FB reach. Calmly, mildly challenging; low demand on my mental faculties. Has already alleviated some stiffness in my back and cracks in my knees. I step away from Netflix and YouTube @ 8.30pm. I find other ways to regroup throughout the day rather than default to digital media every time, as I realized it overstimulates my brain and leaves it in a more erratic thought state. My thoughts ping around my cranial walls longer, making focus difficult to harness. Since placing boundaries on digital media, I’ve noticed my brain is MUCH calmer, quieter, and thoughts flow through my brain rather than bounce around it. Bad digital media habits have definitely been working against me. Lots more to say on that, but won’t.
Here is my simple morning and evening routine — low risk, great reward.
AM —
Alarm sounds @ 6am
I allow myself several minutes to come awake. I reach up and turn on my floor lamp with my eyes closed, slowly adjusting to the light. I pour some water and gulp it down. I sit cross-legged on my bed and roll my shoulders. I pray. I read a psalm.
6:30 unroll my mat. Press play for the day’s routine.
Shower & dress
7:45 make my bed (new commitment!)
Carry out the rest of the day’s events according to the schedule I’ve laid out the night before
PM
Light candles
Spray the house with a fresh-scented room spray
End of day — plan the following day’s events and tasks
My idea of “planning” is simplified as well. My to-do list is long and I am often overly ambitious bc I am desperate to see it diminish. But, I am inevitably overwhelmed. And, the to-do list grows. So, I choose ONE or TWO things to complete every day. If it’s an involved task, I leave off at that one. If it’s a relatively quick task, I complete two. Example— today I wanted to clean out my car and clean the interior of my car & declutter a bookcase that currently functions as a junk drawer. Car task went splendidly! But, ended up being a pretty involved task which took up most of the time I’d allotted for tasks. So, I rolled it over to tomorrow.
Essentially, there is a framework but there is a measure of flexibility within it. It is a new system, but I am feeling the benefits. This is how I’m making it through. Resistance makes an appearance bc bad habits are unrelenting in these initial stages of change. But, I remind myself that this new rhythm I’m developing is VITAL to my wellbeing. And, seeing the detriment of its absence play out to a certain extent helps to make that a FELT reality.
More later, I’m sure. Writing this has been therapeutic, whether it is read or not 😂