A photo of me, enjoying a delicious shake shack lunch with one of my best friends.
Hey everyone,
This is going to be a long one. I need to vent. Let me tell you some background leading up to what happened this weekend.
Let's start here. My name's Owen. I'm 21 years old, and I'm a senior in college. All my life I've struggled with my body image. I was a chubbier kid, and I remember starting Weight Watchers with my mom as early as 11 years old. Growing up, everyone had something to say about my body. My doctor, my grandmother, my mom, and my dad. I'd like to add a note here that I have a healthy, loving relationship with all those individuals. Part of the explanation those comments were made are because they, too, are trapped in the body image obsessed world that thin = healthy.
Fast forward a little now. My sophomore year of college, I was introduced to fitnessblender after deciding that I wanted to commit to regular exercise. Admittedly, my weight was too heavy causing me to have irregularly high blood pressure by age 18. I fell in love with FB and it helped me introduce healthier options into my life both in nutrition and activity. As a result, I lost roughly 30 lbs.
My family was thrilled. The comments about my body were now frequently "you're looking so trim!" "we're so proud of you!" "what's your secret?!" etc. I myself was thrilled. I felt that my body was finally accepted. Then, things started getting a little unhealthy. I would mentally degrade myself for missing a workout, lose sleep over having dessert, and plan my meals hours in advance, calculating how I can eat a meal while still ensuring I don't put any carbs into my body (especially bread.)
Suddenly, I was unhealthy again. "Trim," and unhealthy. Eventually I had enough. I was struggling with disordered eating, and a good friend introduced me to intuitive eating. I loved the concept, but was afraid of the possible weight gain "consequences." How could I eat what my body was craving and not only consume junk food? Regardless, I was tired of food taking up so much of my headspace. I was tired of the constant self-guilt, the uphill battle.
So, slowly I started reintroducing foods I had formally banned. I decided to start slow, buying bagels and cream cheese at my grocery store. You would have thought it was Christmas morning in my apartment! I was still scared. "Oh, the carbs! All that bread!" cycled through my head. I started to find that my body still did have cravings for fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and whole grains. I'm working my way to a gentle balance, honoring both my grilled chicken/veggie and double bacon cheeseburger cravings when they arise.
Then, school started. I'm nearly done with my degree to start teaching English to 6th-12th graders. As I embark on student teaching, my week day schedule makes people tired just reading it. 7:30am-12:30pm I work at a high school library (and love it), from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm I teach middle schoolers (and believe it or not.. I love it!), from 5:00 pm to 8:00 pm I go to class (believe it or not... that parts just okay). This is my schedule M-F. As you can imagine, I can't sustain a 5 day workout schedule at this time in my life. I'm usually able to swing 3 days a week, and I'm proud of that. Despite that, having fewer days to workout and eating intuitively makes my anxiety of gaining weight even greater.
Okay, I'll get to the main event of this story. This weekend, I spent time at home to attend a family wedding. I gushed to my family about how much I love teaching, some new friends I made, and upkeeping my own apartment. The wedding was a blast, and being 21 with cousins who also recently turned 21 with access to an open bar... well you can put the pieces together!
Sunday morning I woke up, recovered, and ran some errands. On my way home I decided to pick up a sandwich from jimmy johns, knowing that's what I was craving. After arriving home I washed my hands at the kitchen sink when my mom looked over at me while sweeping the floor. "I don't mean to be critical, but have you gained weight?"
I felt my heart sink to my belly. I mumbled not sure what words to get out. My mom knew I was hurt. To try to recover she said "well, I'm your mom, I can talk to you about this stuff!" I took the sandwich I now felt too guilty to eat to my room and got out the words "I don't know if I've gained weight. Maybe. I don't know." I ate my sandwich sitting in my childhood bedroom, on the floor. Even though the Pepe no tomato was my favorite item off the menu, I couldn't taste it. I knew I needed to talk to my mom.
As I walked back into the living room I choked out "when you say those things it really hurts me," before I burst into tears. My mom's eyes brimmed with tears, she held me tight "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry honey I don't know why I said that" she said through our tears. We sat crying as I told her how much body image has affected me, how insecure it's made me feel over the years, and how afraid I am of gaining weight with my family so recently proud of me for slimming up. My mother apologized profusely. I knew it killed her to see me hurt by her words. By the end of the conversation, she knew more about why those words specifically cut so deep. And I began to understand now, as she watched her own mother (my 74 year old grandmother still on weight watchers) diet constantly as she herself grew up, that she has a toxic idea of what it means to be healthy and worthy of respect regardless of body type. We scratched the surface. My mom doesn't entirely understand yet, after all she's now 53 years trapped in the body image obsessed cycle, but she's getting there along with me. I have made a commitment to the fact that it ends with me. I refuse to unconsciously pass down diet culture mindsets to my some-day children.
Even with the air cleared, my mom's words still hurt. I've back tracked mentally. The confidence, acceptance, and self love I was working on has been disrupted. I'm not giving up, though.
If you've read this far, I thank you. I also have two requests:
Please, refrain from commenting on peoples bodies. This goes both ways. "Oh you've lost so much weight, looking good!" can have adverse affects on the psyche that is damaged by diet mentality.
My second request is this. Compliment someone on something that genuinely reflects their ability to be a good, passionate human being. I wish my mom would have made more remarks on all the healthy life milestones I've met. Between teaching, new friends, nearly finishing my degree, and growing into an honest, good man, I know there is much to be proud of.
Tell someone why they're a good friend today. Tell them why you love them. For their loyalty, for their humor, for their tenacity, for their hard work, for their ability to do whats right. Talk to yourself this way, too. In fact, I would love for you to leave a comment. What's at least one thing you love about yourself, and what's one thing you love about your best friend? your spouse? your closest family member?
Take care of yourself, be gentle, and thank you for reading.
"I Don't Mean to be Critical, But..."
A photo of me, enjoying a delicious shake shack lunch with one of my best friends.
Hey everyone,
This is going to be a long one. I need to vent. Let me tell you some background leading up to what happened this weekend.
Let's start here. My name's Owen. I'm 21 years old, and I'm a senior in college. All my life I've struggled with my body image. I was a chubbier kid, and I remember starting Weight Watchers with my mom as early as 11 years old. Growing up, everyone had something to say about my body. My doctor, my grandmother, my mom, and my dad. I'd like to add a note here that I have a healthy, loving relationship with all those individuals. Part of the explanation those comments were made are because they, too, are trapped in the body image obsessed world that thin = healthy.
Fast forward a little now. My sophomore year of college, I was introduced to fitnessblender after deciding that I wanted to commit to regular exercise. Admittedly, my weight was too heavy causing me to have irregularly high blood pressure by age 18. I fell in love with FB and it helped me introduce healthier options into my life both in nutrition and activity. As a result, I lost roughly 30 lbs.
My family was thrilled. The comments about my body were now frequently "you're looking so trim!" "we're so proud of you!" "what's your secret?!" etc. I myself was thrilled. I felt that my body was finally accepted. Then, things started getting a little unhealthy. I would mentally degrade myself for missing a workout, lose sleep over having dessert, and plan my meals hours in advance, calculating how I can eat a meal while still ensuring I don't put any carbs into my body (especially bread.)
Suddenly, I was unhealthy again. "Trim," and unhealthy. Eventually I had enough. I was struggling with disordered eating, and a good friend introduced me to intuitive eating. I loved the concept, but was afraid of the possible weight gain "consequences." How could I eat what my body was craving and not only consume junk food? Regardless, I was tired of food taking up so much of my headspace. I was tired of the constant self-guilt, the uphill battle.
So, slowly I started reintroducing foods I had formally banned. I decided to start slow, buying bagels and cream cheese at my grocery store. You would have thought it was Christmas morning in my apartment! I was still scared. "Oh, the carbs! All that bread!" cycled through my head. I started to find that my body still did have cravings for fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and whole grains. I'm working my way to a gentle balance, honoring both my grilled chicken/veggie and double bacon cheeseburger cravings when they arise.
Then, school started. I'm nearly done with my degree to start teaching English to 6th-12th graders. As I embark on student teaching, my week day schedule makes people tired just reading it. 7:30am-12:30pm I work at a high school library (and love it), from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm I teach middle schoolers (and believe it or not.. I love it!), from 5:00 pm to 8:00 pm I go to class (believe it or not... that parts just okay). This is my schedule M-F. As you can imagine, I can't sustain a 5 day workout schedule at this time in my life. I'm usually able to swing 3 days a week, and I'm proud of that. Despite that, having fewer days to workout and eating intuitively makes my anxiety of gaining weight even greater.
Okay, I'll get to the main event of this story. This weekend, I spent time at home to attend a family wedding. I gushed to my family about how much I love teaching, some new friends I made, and upkeeping my own apartment. The wedding was a blast, and being 21 with cousins who also recently turned 21 with access to an open bar... well you can put the pieces together!
Sunday morning I woke up, recovered, and ran some errands. On my way home I decided to pick up a sandwich from jimmy johns, knowing that's what I was craving. After arriving home I washed my hands at the kitchen sink when my mom looked over at me while sweeping the floor. "I don't mean to be critical, but have you gained weight?"
I felt my heart sink to my belly. I mumbled not sure what words to get out. My mom knew I was hurt. To try to recover she said "well, I'm your mom, I can talk to you about this stuff!" I took the sandwich I now felt too guilty to eat to my room and got out the words "I don't know if I've gained weight. Maybe. I don't know." I ate my sandwich sitting in my childhood bedroom, on the floor. Even though the Pepe no tomato was my favorite item off the menu, I couldn't taste it. I knew I needed to talk to my mom.
As I walked back into the living room I choked out "when you say those things it really hurts me," before I burst into tears. My mom's eyes brimmed with tears, she held me tight "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry honey I don't know why I said that" she said through our tears. We sat crying as I told her how much body image has affected me, how insecure it's made me feel over the years, and how afraid I am of gaining weight with my family so recently proud of me for slimming up. My mother apologized profusely. I knew it killed her to see me hurt by her words. By the end of the conversation, she knew more about why those words specifically cut so deep. And I began to understand now, as she watched her own mother (my 74 year old grandmother still on weight watchers) diet constantly as she herself grew up, that she has a toxic idea of what it means to be healthy and worthy of respect regardless of body type. We scratched the surface. My mom doesn't entirely understand yet, after all she's now 53 years trapped in the body image obsessed cycle, but she's getting there along with me. I have made a commitment to the fact that it ends with me. I refuse to unconsciously pass down diet culture mindsets to my some-day children.
Even with the air cleared, my mom's words still hurt. I've back tracked mentally. The confidence, acceptance, and self love I was working on has been disrupted. I'm not giving up, though.
If you've read this far, I thank you. I also have two requests:
Please, refrain from commenting on peoples bodies. This goes both ways. "Oh you've lost so much weight, looking good!" can have adverse affects on the psyche that is damaged by diet mentality.
My second request is this. Compliment someone on something that genuinely reflects their ability to be a good, passionate human being. I wish my mom would have made more remarks on all the healthy life milestones I've met. Between teaching, new friends, nearly finishing my degree, and growing into an honest, good man, I know there is much to be proud of.
Tell someone why they're a good friend today. Tell them why you love them. For their loyalty, for their humor, for their tenacity, for their hard work, for their ability to do whats right. Talk to yourself this way, too. In fact, I would love for you to leave a comment. What's at least one thing you love about yourself, and what's one thing you love about your best friend? your spouse? your closest family member?
Take care of yourself, be gentle, and thank you for reading.
-Owen